No one knows what really goes on in someone else’s head. No one knows what really goes on in someone else’s shoes. AND, everyone is here for a reason, and everyone is here for a short amount of time. Fact.
I can’t help but think about death all the time. It’s not in a dark way, it doesn’t make me freak out or anything, it’s just in a way where I am acknowledging that very real fact of life. My husband thinks its strange, and that maybe I should talk to someone. I think it’s just reality.
I am aware of my death at all times, like I am aware of being alive at all times, and I’m aware when I’m stressed, I’m aware when I’m happy, I’m aware of my hip hurting, I’m aware of liking a song, I’m aware of laughing and feeling good, I’m just aware. Not sure that’s a bad thing? It’s just how I’m wired, and maybe more so now since I had cancer, since I beat cancer. And, yes, since I became a cancer survivor, I am more focused on every little thing, because these little things really mean something. This little things one day, will be gone.
This week I was a little more stressed than normal. And I noticed that I didn’t like feeling stressed. It sucked out my energy. Made me more internal. Smile less. Sleep less. Cry more. But at the same time, I used my own pep talk, I said to myself, it’s better to be stressed than to be dead. Ha, I’m not sure that would work on everyone, but it kinda put me in my place. Because, I WOULD rather be stressed than be dead. I WOULD rather have bad days, and maybe be sad once in a while, and feel alone and sorry for myself once in a while. I WOULD rather that, than be dead. Of course, if I felt this way every day and all of the time, maybe I would rather be dead;) But, I know these feelings are normal and situational, and if I didn't feel bad some of the time, then I might not be human…right?
But anyway, what I’m trying to say is…this week was tough. And it threw me for a loop. A self-conscious, insecure, neurotic loop of unsupportive voices in my head. I think, how can I run a company on my own? How can I run a business with very little money and no experience? Who is going to want to come on board with Zero Negative? And who am I to think I could make a difference in helping find a cure for cancer? And what if all of this stress is going to make my cancer come back? Ugh. Maybe I should just be a good wife, relax, go to lunches, sleep in, do yoga, enjoy my husband, and just smile? Maybe that would be easier?
But, I have a passion I can’t ignore. I have a dream, that I want to see through. I’m trying to raise money for Zero Negative now, starting a campaign to raise 50,000.00 in order to purchase more bags and get to the next stage. Can I do this? Who knows. Does it feel very vulnerable trying to do this? Yes! Do I like asking people for help? No! It’s hard putting yourself out there! But, I guess I believe in the company so much, that I’m willing to look like a fool. I am willing to be annoying to some people at times. I am willing to be judged by others. I am willing to fail. I am willing to succeed. I am willing to try. And I guess that’s the bottom line… I AM WILLING TO TRY.
It takes more than just one person to make dreams come true. And I am sure there are many people out there who have the same dream as me... to help find a cure for cancer. So, I will end this blog with a humble request. IF you have actually found yourself reading this up to the very end, wow I am impressed and grateful! There's a link on the HOME page of this website that is labeled, 'HELP JENN FIGHT CANCER IN STYLE'. If you click on it, it will take you to my gofundme site. We have raised close to $3,000.00 so far, with the goal of $50,000.00, to help purchase new bags and make new products. If you know anyone in your world who would be interested in helping out the cause, I would be forever grateful if you would pass on the link. Every little bit counts, and all it takes is just a click to 'Share'. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey. I keep reminding myself, it's not the end result, but the journey that's worth enjoying:)