So, I've been mentally preparing for the LAST and FINAL surgery of this cancer journey. Mentally preparing in a way where I am mediating, calming my nerves, feeling grateful for having gone through this year and half and come out of it a 'better me'. I have been so grateful for everything and everyone in my life, it's like I've been feeling 'high' with my own happiness and excitement for this chapter to be over. I am even planning a trip in April or May to celebrate THE END with some of my friends. So, the LAST thing I thought could happen, after seeing the bladder specialist, is that I need ANOTHER surgery after this LAST surgery, making this LAST surgery the SECOND TO LAST surgery...EXCUSE ME????
I feel like Al Pacino in The Godfather, trying to get out of this environment, and something keeps pulling him back in. I am just about finishing this breast cancer stage, and now I have to be put under AGAIN to remove whatever the heck is on my bladder, and pray to god, it better not have anything to do with cancer. I feel safe enough, from the doctor's reaction, that it ISN'T cancer, but, it still needs to be removed and tested and given a name for what it is. I joke and say my bladder is just a little bloated, that's what it looks like to me, but who knows what it is. The unknown is the hard part, because for some reason, the unknown means something 'wrong', not something 'right', it triggers the part of me that wants to be in control of everything.
I can say I pee a lot more than I used to, I can say that I have gotten a lot of bladder infections in the past, so, maybe this is a reaction to that? I can think about everything I did wrong to my bladder in my past, I can try to come up with an answer, but really, what good does that do me? This is obviously just another universal test for me to learn from and overcome. Am I supposed to think about this? I don't want to worry for another month, especially before this surgery coming up. It is hard to NOT think and NOT worry, I am acknowledging that about myself, and I'm sure its a very human thing. SO, what will I do ? I will TRY TRY TRY to continue to live my life, change nothing, other than staying positive, staying excited for my boobies, staying healthy, staying true to who I am and what I stand for... positive vibes and love all around. I will be the person I wish to be, period.
But yes, I know it's okay to be scared, it's okay to admit being scared, and it's so normal to feel scared, especially in times like this, where there is something unknown going on in my body. And a lot of the fear is because it reminds me of when they found something on my sternum and determined it was cancer, which made my breast cancer stage 4... I guess since that was the furthest thing from my mind at the time, I am scared that cancer is such a real possibility. But hey, I dealt with stage 4 and beat it, so worst case scenario, I will deal with bladder cancer, even though I KNOW IT'S NOT. It's not.