THE END ...for real !!!
The end has finally arrived. I am waiting for the 'happy juice' to pump through my trashed chemo veins, and looking forward to my anesthesia nap. I am a little nervous, which is always the case, but I am happy and positive that this will be the end of a very long year and a half.
I wake up feeling very refreshed, unlike the other surgeries. And I don't feel cold, I don't feel very out of it, I don't feel sick, but I DO feel thirsty. I always opt for apple juice instead of water, and I love how cold it is and how refreshing it tastes. I can't wait for a coffee, however, which is what I am craving the most. But they won't let me leave yet. I guess it's not normal that someone who just woke up from surgery is ready to leave so soon, but that's exactly how I felt. I got the good news from the doctor, saying 'it was just a cyst, I am 99.9% sure that there will be nothing that shows up on the pathology report, but I will call you as soon as I get the results back.' Aaaaaahhhhh. That's all I wanted to hear, those exact words, that is music to my ears.
15 minutes later I am ready to go. I have to go to the bathroom, and they warned me that it would burn to pee, and yes they were right... ouch! But they said it shouldn't last more than a day, and once again, they were right! I loved all of my doctors. I complained a lot that they were always so busy, sometimes hard to get on the phone, sometimes hard to get answers right away, but they knew what they were doing, and every doctor did exactly what they needed to do, they saved my life. Thank you doc's!
So, I'm home now, 2 days past surgery... funny because I really thought I would be in bed most of the weekend recovering. But, I wanted to go celebrate last night, so I made my husband take be out, I brought a really nice bottle of wine, and had an amazing steak. Afterwards, I was not ready to go home, so I took my husband to the Santa Monica pier where they have lots of rides, and so we did the roller coaster. Funny because who would go on a roller coaster the day after surgery, but I felt totally normal and so happy to be feeling normal, that I didn't want to stop... so we did the ride, which to me, was the best ending to an amazing night, AND, most symbolic to what this journey has felt like, a roller coaster ride. We screamed, we laughed, we felt sick, we felt fear, we hung on to each other, we had tears in our eyes...it was basically all the emotions in that one ride that we had felt through this last year and a half. And we had each other to hold on to, the most important part of the journey.
Aaahhhh, so many lessons I have learned that would seem to make me a completely different person, but at the same time, I feel exactly the same, just a little wiser than before, like I've seen it all. The one thing I took from cancer is that it showed me how strong I am, and showed me how powerful the mind and spirit are when going through tough times. If you want something bad enough, you can do it. It's just a fact, and a great one. We are in control of ourselves, even though we aren't in control of what's around us. I desperately wanted to make cancer a 'gift' in my life, and here I am saying, it truly was a gift.
Another lesson I will take away from this journey is how important it is to appreciate what life is right now, in this moment, because one day, there will be no more moments, and this is something we cannot ever change. This moment is amazing when you are IN the moment. This life is amazing when you are IN your life and not worrying about all of the things you don't have in your life. What DO you have? If I have my health, then I can deal with all the other stresses in my life. And yes, there are a lot of stresses, but I guess what I took from cancer, is that the stresses aren't AS stressful as they once were. For example, I feel insecure a lot about my business and about not having the right financial backing to make my business what I want it to be. But if I focus on what I don't have, I won't really get anywhere. If I focus on the passion I have for my business and trying to bring into my life the help and guidance I need for my business, then I won't feel so stressed because I will be too busy moving forward in my own way. I am sure there are a lot of people who started a business with no money, right? I can't be the only one. And if the universe has my back, which it does, then I can trust there will be way for all of this to work out, even if I don't know how yet.
What can I teach others who are just getting cancer? What can I teach others who don't have cancer, but they are just unhappy? What can I teach anyone going through a hard time, or who feel lost, depressed, alone, resentful, or just unwilling to change a bad habit? I can just say that I was also that person, I was also lost at times, really depressed, really angry, really hurt, and almost suicidal at times. But the best phrase I learned, that is so true and no one can argue it's truth, is 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS'. Whatever is going on, just believe there is a reason for it, there is a blessing to come out of it, a lesson, a gift, an open door, another path, a different way, that will HELP you, and not punish you. And the pain that is going on now, well, it will pass. It just will, because that's how life works. Whatever is happening in this moment, it will pass. So, whatever situation is going on, it too will pass. And that's what I really have learned to embrace. Take what you can and see it for what it is, get the juice out of the lemon, and then drink it. Make it 'juice' that works for you. It's not easy, but who said life should be easy? Who said life should be fun at all times? Life is EVERYTHING. Life is hard, life is amazing, life is painful, life is joyous, life is full of love, life is full of hate, life is lonely at times, life is provoking, life is enlightening, life is LIFE. So let's live life the best we can and take life for what it is... and to me, life is a gift.
And just so you know, I was NEVER one of those 'happy' people who just smile all of the time and say how amazing everything is and nothing is ever wrong... I was NEVER someone who would stop and smell the roses. I mean, I would make fun of those people! They were stupid! I grew up thinking if you were happy, then you were stupid, and the more depressed you were, the smarter you were... I mean seriously, how messed up is that?! But here I am now, smelling roses when I see them... and you know what? It actually makes me really happy to smell a rose! I mean, they smell beautiful! Why not make yourself happy whenever you can? Life is too short to NOT take in the simple things that can bring so much joy...don't you think?
Ok then... peace out cancer!