Six Years Cancer-Free (and Still Counting)
My doctor check-ups started at every three months for the first year, then every six months until last year, and now I am on a once a year schedule. So this was my first check-up with my oncologist since May 23rd, 2022. I don’t get nervous anymore. In fact, I get excited to see him and share space. I see him as the person who saved my life, so he holds a very special place in my heart. And six years ago, together, we saved my life.
Me and MVP, Dr. Slamon
Would I still be here if it wasn’t for him? No idea. But most likely, I either wouldn’t be here, or I would be much worse off than I am today. Do I give him ALL the credit? Not really. But if we were a team, he would be MVP and I would be runner up. It feels awkward saying that, since I don’t normally pat myself on the back, but I need to practice giving myself a little credit where credit is due!
Let’s go back to the first day that I met him. It was the end of December, 2016, and after meeting two other oncologists, I was very much struggling on the inside. I was still in shock, not fully comprehending that I had stage IV breast cancer. The week prior, I was “fine,” and so I was feeling totally betrayed by life, God, and the Universe. The day I met Dr. Slamon, I was searching for a sign, an answer, a reason that could help me make sense of my diagnosis. I wanted to feel in control again, knowing that THAT was probably never going to happen.
We spoke about my diagnosis and chemo drugs. We spoke about the surgeries and the treatment plan. And we spoke about the statistics and the odds of me surviving. I remember so clearly, when he gave me the grim odds, I immediately said to myself, I WILL BE IN THAT CATEGORY, THE SURVIVOR CATEGORY. He could have given me a 1% chance, and I know my mind would have believed in that 1%.
What he gave me that day was the ability to trust in his wisdom and plan, and my ability to trust in myself. In fact, the moment I told myself I would survive, I knew it to be true. It felt right, like a gut instinct, and since I really wanted to believe it, I believed it. Of course, what did I know, I only knew what I wanted to happen, what did I know for real? Did I make the gut instinct up? Did I imagine it? The not-so-deep part of me that was always questioning myself was also alive and well…feeling scared, and frantic, I was a woman who did not want to be thought of as a statistic … I DID NOT want to be another statistic… That to me was worse than death. But I chose to believe, to trust, and to open up to the entire experience of being a cancer patient. And I can’t tell you how happy I am that I went with my gut instinct and made the most out of the ride.
Every year now, I get to revisit this inner strength that took over. I get to keep processing the miracle that took place, the power of belief. I was looking for something to support my desire to live and survive, and I found it with him. He helped me to write my story, taking in the present moment with all the other information. And it had to line up with my desire to heal.
It’s something I find so profound, and also, so helpful in my life now. I really believe that this is universal and a sign that others can take and embrace themselves. We all are creators, collaborators, healers, miracles, energetic forces, and it’s aligning our highest vibration to the highest purpose…the first step to anything is knowing what you want… and then, not being afraid to believe you can get it. I don’t think you can fail by doing this. Even if the end isn’t exactly what you imagined. The end will be exactly what it’s supposed to be, and you will have enjoyed the ride.
I was never one to pat myself on the back. I was the sarcastic one, always putting myself down, and embarrassed to say what good attributes I had. This was my personality, and maybe a shyness, because I never wanted to look arrogant or conceited (even though nothing about me was ever even thinking good thoughts about me). I didn’t realize that this commitment I made in his office was so strong, I didn’t realize how forceful and determined I was … it was just me, what I was used to… I didn’t make a lot of these types of decisions, but when I did, it was major.
Anyway, where am I going with this? I guess, after six years, I am finally patting myself on the back… I’m openly saying, “I did good!” I didn’t let myself down by dying, even though because of everything, I am not afraid to die anymore. I am proud of myself. And, oh boy, here it comes, I love myself. Geez, it still feels awkward, just to talk about myself in a loving way, but I know this was the lesson I needed to learn, and heal. And what I love seeing in others. And I know I should do it more, but I also understand it is a practice, and the more you do it, the better you get. I’m sure we could all use a little more practice in loving ourselves and being open about it.
If you’re like me, you focus more on other people, on making someone feel good, or better, or helping out in some way. But there comes a time when you just have to change it up a little bit … do something CRAZY and outside of the box, just for shits and giggles, test it out and see how it feels … and you know what? It feels vulnerable! I feel very vulnerable, complimenting myself, loving myself in front of you. So much more than if I said, “Six years down, with a strong arm emoji, a heart emoji, and a smile emoji.” HA! That would have been so much easier, so much safer…but there’s no growth in safety, is there?
The timing is perfect, however. This cancer chapter is done and I need a new challenge. I need a new focus…and I want to stay in them with the last chapter, where surviving and thriving was both helpful to me and to you. I think putting myself out there, really out there, is a good challenge for me and hopefully it will help you too. I know I’m strong, and so are you. But maybe I have yet to share when I’m feeling weak, insecure, sad, and/or bitchy. I’ve worn my strong, resilient, grateful, optimistic and full of love side in public, and to be clear, I really like that side of me. It makes me happy owning my own happiness. But, since we're being totally honest here, I have some other sides that are definitely fit for a reality TV show.
I don’t want to hold back anymore. And I want to continue to help and support others in surviving and thriving in their own challenges. Sharing lessons probably helps more than sharing all the mistakes...but maybe not. Let’s play a little bit. I've had six years of gratitude, love, positivity and appreciation. Maybe it’s time to introduce Mrs. VULNERABLE, Ms. TRANSPARENT, and Madam BITCH to the group, shall we? Because the goal isn’t to love only the “good parts” in us, self-love is loving and honoring ALL sides.
But today I am just happy… SIX YEARS